When our children are young rules are pretty straight forward. Don't touch the stove. Don't jump on the couch. Don't stick that fork in the socket. They are largely designed around the physical protection of our children and for the most part, children don't question the rule even if they are willing to push the boundaries of it.
It is a whole different story when they become teens. I remember when my children started asking me to validate my rules for them. I am going to be honest, at first, I was pretty irritated.
"Why is this a rule?"
"Because I said so, that's why!"
Oh, I was indignant. How dare she question my rules. That rule is for her protection. I know why I made that rule. I made that rule because...umm...I made that rule because...Crap. I don't know why I made that rule. Oh, oh! I bet I made that rule because there is scriptural precedent for it. *Rushes off to look up scripture*. There is none. Great. I made a rule and I have no defense of it. What do I do now?
Well, it has taken me a while to get to this point, but now, I roll back the rule. If I can't find a logical or scriptural need for the rule to exist, it goes. And my children are free to question any rule as long as it is done respectfully and the final decision is respected.
Yeah, this means that my kids listen to music that I banned simply because I found it annoying rather than because it was actually sinful. This means that they dye their hair, wear distressed denim, and a host of other things that I was regulating simply because I didn't personally prefer them.
I grew up in a skirt-only environment. I am 38 years old and just asked my parents why. It's not like I didn't wonder about it when I was a teen. I just assumed that somewhere in scripture there was this skirts only rule and my previous experience with asking questions had resulted in a, "because I said so" or "because the Bible says so" answer. When I became an adult and started looking at this for myself, I was incredibly shocked to see that there is no rule for women wearing skirts. It doesn't actually even make sense given the context in which the Biblical authors were living in and the styles of the times. It turns out that it was largely a personal preference for my parents. It was much deeper for the church. We will get into the troubles with the IFBC dress code rules in different post on modesty though.
What extra-biblical rules like this did to my faith was actually quite damaging. Growing up, I looked at God as a divine rule giver. I had this long list of rules that I needed to follow in order to please God. If I wasn't following these rules I had serious reason to question my salvation. After all, the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, skirt-wearing... I actually resulted in me "asking Jesus into my heart" about 20 times because I assumed that if I wasn't following the rules, I probably wasn't saved.
Here's where it gets a bit heavy. I believe that part of faithful parenting will include accurately relaying the difference between scriptural mandates and matters of preference. I believe that part of faithful parenting will be to accurately (though woefully inadequately) portray God as he is. Am I giving my kids the impression that God is just a divine arbitrary rule giver? As it turned out a lot of the rules I had been giving my kids were just matters of convenience or preference for me. It was more convenient for me not to have to explain away why they had pink hair. I personally prefer jeans that don't have holes in them. But is there anything sinful or dangerous about these things?
Of course, that doesn't mean that none of my rules are valid. I don't let my children have internet access after 9:30. The Bible never speaks of internet access, but I have thought out this rule and believe there is a logical reason for the rule in terms of their safety. I also won't pay for those jeans that are so torn up they look like they might fall apart at any moment. If they want a pair, they can spend their own money on them. But my goals for why I have certain rules have changed. Before, what I wanted was for it to be as easy on me as possible. Now what I want is to produce children who are making logical and Biblical choices within the bounds of Christian freedom. I also want my children to feel free to ask me why so that when we talk about boundaries we can also talk about the goodness of a God who is not arbitrary in his rules but is using those boundaries for our good and his glory.
To the Praise of His Glory,
The Grace Divide
It is a whole different story when they become teens. I remember when my children started asking me to validate my rules for them. I am going to be honest, at first, I was pretty irritated.
"Why is this a rule?"
"Because I said so, that's why!"
Oh, I was indignant. How dare she question my rules. That rule is for her protection. I know why I made that rule. I made that rule because...umm...I made that rule because...Crap. I don't know why I made that rule. Oh, oh! I bet I made that rule because there is scriptural precedent for it. *Rushes off to look up scripture*. There is none. Great. I made a rule and I have no defense of it. What do I do now?
Well, it has taken me a while to get to this point, but now, I roll back the rule. If I can't find a logical or scriptural need for the rule to exist, it goes. And my children are free to question any rule as long as it is done respectfully and the final decision is respected.
Yeah, this means that my kids listen to music that I banned simply because I found it annoying rather than because it was actually sinful. This means that they dye their hair, wear distressed denim, and a host of other things that I was regulating simply because I didn't personally prefer them.
I grew up in a skirt-only environment. I am 38 years old and just asked my parents why. It's not like I didn't wonder about it when I was a teen. I just assumed that somewhere in scripture there was this skirts only rule and my previous experience with asking questions had resulted in a, "because I said so" or "because the Bible says so" answer. When I became an adult and started looking at this for myself, I was incredibly shocked to see that there is no rule for women wearing skirts. It doesn't actually even make sense given the context in which the Biblical authors were living in and the styles of the times. It turns out that it was largely a personal preference for my parents. It was much deeper for the church. We will get into the troubles with the IFBC dress code rules in different post on modesty though.
What extra-biblical rules like this did to my faith was actually quite damaging. Growing up, I looked at God as a divine rule giver. I had this long list of rules that I needed to follow in order to please God. If I wasn't following these rules I had serious reason to question my salvation. After all, the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, skirt-wearing... I actually resulted in me "asking Jesus into my heart" about 20 times because I assumed that if I wasn't following the rules, I probably wasn't saved.
Here's where it gets a bit heavy. I believe that part of faithful parenting will include accurately relaying the difference between scriptural mandates and matters of preference. I believe that part of faithful parenting will be to accurately (though woefully inadequately) portray God as he is. Am I giving my kids the impression that God is just a divine arbitrary rule giver? As it turned out a lot of the rules I had been giving my kids were just matters of convenience or preference for me. It was more convenient for me not to have to explain away why they had pink hair. I personally prefer jeans that don't have holes in them. But is there anything sinful or dangerous about these things?
Of course, that doesn't mean that none of my rules are valid. I don't let my children have internet access after 9:30. The Bible never speaks of internet access, but I have thought out this rule and believe there is a logical reason for the rule in terms of their safety. I also won't pay for those jeans that are so torn up they look like they might fall apart at any moment. If they want a pair, they can spend their own money on them. But my goals for why I have certain rules have changed. Before, what I wanted was for it to be as easy on me as possible. Now what I want is to produce children who are making logical and Biblical choices within the bounds of Christian freedom. I also want my children to feel free to ask me why so that when we talk about boundaries we can also talk about the goodness of a God who is not arbitrary in his rules but is using those boundaries for our good and his glory.
To the Praise of His Glory,
The Grace Divide
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